20 November 2012

DoucheBag Awards - Spring 2012.

Whats UP Suckas???

So look here.....I've been busy, REAL busy man! Hanging around up in Nowra over winter and back in my spiritual homeland, the Wimmera, for Autumn. Heaps of shit has been going down and even more getting sprayed about the Internerds. For that reason I'm gonna keep this as short as a blockhead like me can. 

Last week I got my computer privilleges back after 3 months good behaviour. Apparantly it's a bad idea to yell (IN CAPITALS) at some random on FB about how retarded she sounded when posting photos of her ugly, shit expeling infant with rambling captions on how big her poos are. Anyway, in the past few days I've been able to award some points to a few likely contenders for the least coverted award in Oz Rock Huggin'. Without further Ado here are the results for the 2012 Spring Douchebag Award.


Runners-up in no particular order cause you are all as useless as Rove McFannus.
  • Gay Dave Carson. Never fails to dissappoint the mases. Dave won the inaugural Golden Douche a couple of years ago, when his little calf failed due to too many kneebars on Monkey Puzzle. Dave has been down in Victoria of late and has again put his hand up for the award. No I mean he literally put his hand up and nominated himself and was heard to say,  "...when I won the Douchebag award all those moons ago, I felt alive. I mean, it meant a lot to me to know that even though I fell out of a kneebar, I could still take home the prize. I stilll use the Golden Douche as part of my daily routine". Well Dave you get a nod. You put in a valiant effort this season and even though you didn't know who Patrick Edlinger is/was (R.I.P.) you didn't quite make it this time.

  • The Myth.....the ever trying.....the ever could be....My Boy........Grosey. Have you seen this guy climb? It's like a giraffe was somehow taught by Bindi Irwin to do pullups. He is a Spaz - pretty much campuses 100% of the moves he can do on 90% of most routes. Your maths good? Mine ain't. In otherwords he falls off the top of things. While this in it so ain't so worthy of the Golden Douche, he does make a habit of injuring himself while walking. This Spring saw Grosey combine both his favourite past times resulting in a 4m fall while walking along a boulder he was brushing. 3 busted ribs and 5 weeks off doing pullups. Now he can only campus 32% of 20 routes in the entire Wimmera, slabs included. What A Douche!

Grosey on the Campus Board


  • Last but not least..........ahhhh actually they are the only Runners-up, no one else really comes close.

So Now the moment your kids will roll their eyes at. That is if you are ever allowed to have kids and by the time they're old enough to know what a douchebag is, actually care enough about you to listen to your shitty anecdotes. The Main Prize!!

The 2012 Spring Douchebag Award goes to

JIMMY K - the Re-Inventor of the Wheel.



Recently James, also known as the inventer of undergarmets specifically designed for the climbing gym, reinvented the wheel. The Wheel of Life that is. Jimmy K had ticked off this puppy last year, however not to be outdone by the send train of "travelling tourists" (what the hell are they? do non travelling tourists exist? Are interstate visitors included as tourists? I think this needs clarification) he was able to add a slightly varied finish. Top effort to have done two laps of the wheel within such a short period. However 2 things stemming from this allowed Jimmy K to grasp the Douche and take home the Glory.

1. Jimmy's blog on the Re-Invention.  http://www.jameskassay.com/blog/archives/196
  • Already mentioned above the notion of the 'travelling tourist'. James understands that they are short of time and probably wants to do as much other climbing in the Grampians, Araps, Gluies as possible. If that's the case, then by all means just exit the cave by the original V4 finish and then get on with your trip. If you're local and can dedicate another day or two then go for the V5 exit - and give yourself another grade or two. Make it a nice round figure, hmm 9A or something. Oh and if you're a tourist - you can use the knee bar rests that other tourists use. But remember if you want the full tick, you cannot use any holds or sequences not used by the reinventionalist during the send.


2. 12 months of No Development.

  • No thats not true. The Grampians has been full of development. A bunch of quality sport climbs have been established or at least equiped in the past 12 months by mere mortals on weekends (travelling tourists?) And more specific to Jimmy K, a shitload of world class boulders brushed and ticked by some visiting Yanks and a Fin. Here's just a short list of whats been established in the past 4 months or so...
Massive Dynamic, V14
Occam’s Razor, V14
Right Thurr, V14
Cherry Picking, V13
Rootarded, V13
Rule Number 1, V13
Boredom, V13
Losing Grip, V12
Slippery Slope, V12
Instakill, V11
Tunnel Vision, V11
Happy Ending, V11
+ MANY other problems 

Shaaaaaaiiiiittttttttt. Thats a lot of World Class Problems. Come on Jimmy - you have more ability than Salad Fingers has well, creepy fingers, these are all arguably within his limit. However its taken some tourists to invest their time and effort exploring and developing. Then giving everyone a topo. It's understandable that they then were only able to do the Wheel with knee pads and the original exit.

'Creepy as Fuck' you rusty spoon fiddler!

Normally I'd have a paper mache Douche sprayed gold to present however I feel its more pertinent to award Jimmy K with a Compass in the hope that he mans up like Bear Grylls and does some bad arse shit.

Don't Get Lost



Jimmy K vs Wild - Exclusive to ONE HD
Anyway I'm bored of this shit....and not just the blog. This problem is a boulder. No rope with the ground only inches away from your arse equates to a boulder in my book. If the ground was further away one of my boys would have bolted the shit out of it........well actually maybe it will go on gear. Imagine that.....the wheel led gear in hand. Now that would have to be the Old Skool Wheel RePrise or some shit like that. Bottom line the problem is hard, fucking hard, and ANYONE who does it deserves a huge pat on the back, however development is the key to pushing the sport/lifestyle/excuse and those with the talent are perhaps obligated to do it.


BARRY OUT!